The Flu. Sponsored by Big-Pharma, Hulu, Netflix, and Amazon

Weekends are a roller coaster ride for me. I start out with such excitement on Friday afternoon thinking about all the great things I’m going to get accomplished and by Sunday, I am usually in a despondent heap wondering what the hell happened to the weekend.

This last weekend was an interesting experience. I started out with my usual enthusiasm. My chore list included trying to finish my newest novel, Riapoke, get some reading done, and I wanted to do something around the house. Well, life 1: Bryan 0.

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Totally Digging this Cover

Saturday was my daughter’s 15th birthday. It was great. I took her, and her friends, to the laser tag place and we played three games of laser tag. These girls had a great time and I am happy to announce I am still a cool dad. I really enjoyed spending time with them all. Then we came home for a birthday dinner of Subway (my daughter’s choice) and cake. It was a good time. By about 10:00 I was hovering over the toilet and remembering how much vomiting sucks. I also developed a cough that kept my wife and I up all night.

Sunday, I ran a 100+ fever pretty much anytime I wasn’t heavily medicated.

You might be thinking to yourself, well you were home all day Sunday so you could have written all day. Those of you thinking that don’t understand how I do the flu. I literally was in bed all day. Unable to really move or do anything outside of drinking Theraflu and binge watching Hulu and finally watching, for the millionth time, The Outlaw Josie Wales. By the way, I consider The Outlaw Josie Wales to be one of the greatest movies ever made.

So, here I am, this morning, trying to play a little bit of catch up. This morning’s blog is nothing more than a little apology to the world that I didn’t get anything done this weekend outside of losing a few pounds to the natural processes of influenza and binged watched some of the idiot box.

In case you are wondering, here is Bryan’s instructions for how to have the flu.

  • Complain; I don’t mean a little, but tons and without a shred of remorse or decency. Seriously, revert to being a five year old. Beg your wife/husband/significant other/Labrador Retriever to bring you water, be sympathetic, make you a sandwich, and anything else you can ask which is probably unreasonable. Also, wail and moan loudly.
  • Medicate; I love Theraflu. I mean, I’d marry it if I could. If that product were to ever disappear off the shelves, I might actually choose not to go on living. That is a blow I could never tolerate. I’ve found nothing to make me feel better. Thank you makers of Theraflu! I don’t mean the company … I literally mean the people who mix the big vats of medicine and run the machines making the packaging. You guys rock!
  • Eat nothing; I know I have a flu versus a cold if I lose my appetite. For two days I’ll barely touch food of any sort. I only force myself to eat a little because of a psychological obligation to taking in some form of calories. I made myself some toast and had to stop eating half way through because I was stuffed! If I have a cold, by the way, I am usually starving and can’t eat enough. Go figure.
  • Watch TV; I will literally watch more television on the day I am sick than I do in a month. Seriously. And with Hulu, Netflix, and Amazon I can pretty much watch until my brains turn to mush and leak out the side of my head. On Sunday I watch two seasons of a television show I’d been meaning to watch … two feature length movies, one episode of Dexter, and an episode of Big Bang Theory.
  • Sleep, or rather the lack of sleep is elusive. I seriously can’t sleep while I have the flu. I try to sleep, but all I end up doing is annoying my wife. I have a terrible time falling asleep and an even worse time sleeping until a reasonable hour. On Sunday, I was up at 5am for some reason. Which brings me to my final point.
  • When I am done being sick I sleep like it’s an Olympic event. When I finally pull out of my sickness it’s like the exhaustion takes over and I get some good ole’ ZZZs. Last night was that night for me.

So, that is how Bryan the Writer is sick. I’m happy to say that I am now officially better. I am taking it easy today because the doctor says I should make sure I’m symptom free for 24 hours before interacting with other humans again.

Have a great week everyone!

-Your Humble Servant,

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